Archive for November, 2004

Cross Reference

November 29, 2004; 12:20 am

1) Mom’s advice screwed me up.

2)

(22:06:24) Katie: I dunno if it’s worth a shot or what
(22:07:08) Me: I’m in the middle of taking one. -.-

I took the shot and it backfired unto me.

3) Reference this date, November 28, in case I ever get in that mode ever again. Give this note to me: [See the chat log 20041128, re: 'scared' 'promised' 'christmas' 'sims'.]

4) Is there a way to look at the big picture and the little things at the same time? If there is, I must know… Becuase I forget too much. -.-;;;

5) I see why Katie is soooo well trusted by Megan. Thanks to her, I sticked in there when I wanted to quit. Thank her again for me. ;p

(22:45:13) Me: it’s so twisted up.
(22:46:22) Katie: yeah
(22:47:14) Me: i feel like giving up.
(22:47:55) Katie: I just wanna tell you so you knoooow
(22:47:57) Katie: here I goooooo
(22:48:02) Katie: scream my lungs out
(22:48:05) Katie: DAMN YOU!
(22:48:12) Katie: lol
(22:48:12) Me: LOL
(22:48:15) Katie: ^_^ ()
(22:48:20) Me: You’re good. ;)

6) Add to the things I never wanted to do but did and regret list: Promised many times to her then break it. Desert everything going on and leave her hanging.

7) I almost rhetorically asked Megan’s last-ditch question before she did. It amazed the shit out of me that she said it, because I wasn’t thinking it.

8) She pulled a good wild card and jabbed it straight into my heart. How is it that I forget some of these things?

9) Uh, and because of that I need to remember to burn a copy of one of Marcie’s Sims Deluxe CDs. Need to remember. kk?

10) I just realized after snapping back to reality that I’m really sick. My stomach and head hurt. -.-

—

And no, I don’t play snap with ***. ;p

[*** - name removed because god knows someone at school will read this and something's bound to fuck up in storytelling.]

Just jest. ;p

Protected: Sich Schämen

November 27, 2004; 2:17 am

I used to run around with no pride, for fear of falling. Fear of making mistakes to bring myself down. Better not to even thrust myself into such situations–just securely remain in my own personal bubble.

Look at me now, how much I sacrifice of my own security, so I can just go out there and feel. Go out there and actually make something of myself. I’m looking for meaning, I suppose.

—

I felt something had happened, and my feelings I guess were generally correct. But again, I was too passive to directly ask what it was, too passive to try to actively quell whatever specific issue it was with her. And that’s why I considered last night a failure.

Looking back now, with the further information I have available, I believe it’s a bigger failure than I could’ve originally believed. And this time, I will say that I should not have gone. And that I regret it. Deeply.

Focus…

“don’t knock or anything, just call my cell phone and I’ll meet you outside”

I still have no words over that. It’s too far deep within my own soul for me to put any tune to it.

But Rashaad said this: That I’m definitely overthinking this time and that regardless of the bad outcome, it was not a bad choice to do what I did. The intentions and everything were set for good, even though it didn’t work. That’s all that matters.

Rashaad provided me with an example: Ghandi. Ghandi, whose life and work all regarded peace and good will, but was shot because of it. Those choices he made were not bad, even though they led to his death. I must try and keep a solid resolve like Ghandi. I can’t have it where I look back and regret.

—

But yet, there are scars and blemishes on my heart and mind, and as they heal and fade away, I’m afraid to act on emotion again. No, Megan, I understand that it wasn’t my fault for anything. But I felt worthless that I could do nothing. So I gave into the emotion and tried to do something. But acting upon that emotion, I feel, cost me too much–too much of myself and too much of the trust and respect of other people–for me to do that again for a while.

I really feel heartless, having to rationalize matters of the heart. Perhaps it’s because I’m healing certain wounds while having to pry open others, at the cost of everyone’s view of me.

I just feel so ashamed of it every time I think about it. I kept zoning out while doing yardwork today because I couldn’t keep myself focused.

It’s a natural part of humanity. It’s the humanity within us all. When it comes down to it, we really are powerless. It’s weird how hard this hits me, even though everyone around me seems to be a cynic–I figured I’d take the idea in myself. But apparently I’ve been hit harder.

*tired*

A year and a half ago, I had no real pride to bank on anyway. I shouldn’t mind losing a little pride on something like this. It’s not like I was born with this anyway–I still have more than I started with.

Ich fühle mich nicht wohl.

For Reference

November 26, 2004; 1:08 am

A gnawing feeling in my soul. Feeling obliged to do something positive for her.

Bad idea from the start.

A total waste of everyone’s time.

The most apprehension I’ve felt in months–reminiscient of the first time. So much fear and apprehension that I forced myself past, if only to say what I wanted.

Words could not compass what I felt.

I couldn’t say what I wanted. I couldn’t express anything. I fought off fear and apprehension and actually spoke, but did I say enough? There were volumes more for me to say.

I hope she understands.

Wasted a lot of people’s time and probably pissed a lot of people off. And I don’t believe I accomplished any of what I wanted–which at the least was to cheer her up and make her feel good.

I didn’t need to hear anything special from her. What is it that I went for? Myself? My own confidence and self-esteem? Or her? How badly do you want to see her smile? How much would you give to hear her speak compassionately to you?

Nay. I needed her. Or I wanted her to need me? The feeling of gratification that I could do something for her?…

I tried. Is that good enough?

You’re a fucking moron. You wasted everyone’s time and tested patiences, for nothing but your own benefit. Chris was right, you only care when it involves your sake–her sake is so deeply rooted into yours that you don’t see that.

But it was still worth seeing her. And I would step on as many toes again to be with her.

I think I broke even on this one. Or maybe even lost a little. Of what? I don’t know. Of life itself, I guess. Whatever, balance is good.

I am definitely slipping away. At least I’m off a few days. I must recollect. Keep it together.

Sleep now. Rest = stability.

—

01:30 edit

I know what it is. “The feeling of gratification that I could do something for her?…” Yes.

Tasha cried at lunch several days ago, for reasons unknown to me. Part of me wanted to go and console her and see what was up. But overall I was apprehensive and decided it wasn’t my business and it wasn’t worth it. She isn’t close friends with me and I don’t know her well enough to do anything.

This is a sort of reflection of that, I think, cast in some strange alternate light. Now that I think of it, that event probably set my subconcious on this. After hearing Megan, in a not very happy mood, I took it upon myself–whether good idea or bad–to try to make something out of Thanksgiving.

I restate. Big fucking moron. I lose. I lose at psychology, I lose at emotion, I lose at life, everything.

Let us adjourn so I can recollect my senses and regret this blog posting in the morning. In the mean time, listen to the Linkin Park / Jay-Z Collision Course, which is one of few things resembling rap that I enjoy.

Tabs

November 25, 2004; 1:04 am

A sign that I multitask the internet too much.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Hope you all have a good time, whatever it is you’re doing, and whoever you’re spending it with.

I’ve been thinking together a rather lengthy stint about what I’m thankful about, but I’m too tired to write at the moment. Perhaps tomorrow.

I am thankful to have you in my company, Megan, than anyone else in the world. My heart yet struggles to have you understand that properly. I’ll say it this once, as little as we say it at all: I love you. You need not repeat the words to me–say it only with your eyes, as I casually look upon you. heartbeat

Kunicon

November 22, 2004; 10:48 pm

OH! BEFORE I FORGET!

http://stl.kunicon.com/index.php

An anime convention in St. Louis, supposedly. A prayer goes out that it’ll actually be decent–it’ll be the first year, so it’ll obviously not be the best, but there’s a hope. Doug REALLY wants everyone to go, heh. (And that Stacie on his list is greekgirlie. FYI, Rashaad.)

Yesh…

*receeds into the darkness*