…I find it weak to let others see that their words and avoidance are upsetting to me…
Megan said it right. Her and everybody else on Earth have been telling me this for a while.
I left a note for Katie when I was depressed late Saturday night:
*yawn*
To: ~KazenoKisara
Date: Feb 27, 2005, 1:23:50 AM
So… You’d say it sorta bogs Megan down that I give her a lot of attention and stuff, wouldn’t you? And that I get depressed over her and whatnot?
I dunno. She’s even alluded to the fact that it pisses her off when I go off and get all… overemotional and angst-like about her.
And looking into myself, I can’t help but get distraught because I really can’t help but get depressed. I’ve spent time alone with her once this year, and it’s only two months into the year and we’ve already missed 3 weekends seeing each other (nonconsecutive, that is).
Eh, dunno why I’m writing this note. Was just kinda low tonight because Megan was working, and instead of driving down to hang out with people in that part of town and then see her after she got off work, I decided to stay home. I dunno, I just didn’t feel like having to deal with hanging out with those people and all the driving. There wasn’t too much going for my self-esteem talking to anyone else about it… Megan’s already planning that we’ll possibly spend the day together Friday afternoon, but eh. I really have so much trouble and I can’t help but be depressed about not seeing her. What’s there to do? Honestly…
She could tell I was down earlier tonight, but that’s about that. I dunno… I think it’s just me, but I wish sometimes that she’d care more? Something like that. She used to be moreso. She used to be a lot happier, too. But bleh, so many things have been changing that I can’t even keep up with it all. We’re going to graduate and then college is going to come and we’ll split up then, and considering that fact makes me more depressed.
I don’t want to be wanting her to be someone she isn’t. But you and I both have seen that tender inner person in her, and I still attest to it.
And I know how all of this overanalyzing and overemotionalizing makes her feel, and well… That’s why I’ve been holding back talking to her about a lot of this, because it’s the same shit every single time. And every time I do talk, we get into a long argument because we can’t see on the same level. (It’s a matter of philosophy–her views and my views on life and love and etc. definitely don’t intertwine.)
I really hate to be using you as a crutch like I always do, but I don’t talk to you all the time so you’re remote enough that this stuff doesn’t bite me in the ass tomorrow and you’re close enough to me and Megan that you actually know and give a crap about what’s going on, eh? lol… Thanks for putting up with it all, anyway.
-Mike
Her response was as such:
Re: *yawn*
From: ~KazenoKisara
Date: Feb 27, 2005, 1:50:00 AM
*hug* I do give a crap ^_^ You know what her problem is? Things have gotten tough again, what with all the deciding on which college to go to and the upcoming graduation and all that. When things get tough, she doesn’t want to have anything to do with anyone, because she’s quite stubborn, as you know, and unwilling to accept any help of any kind from *anyone*. She doesn’t want to listen to anyone else’s opinions or advice when her life starts getting difficult. I’m proud of you though, you said you held back talking to her about it and how you feel about it. I know how much you love her, and I know she loves you, it’s just that you both seem to need a different kind of love, you know? Not even that, it’s like a different degree of love… she wants a bit more space because she has so much crap to deal with, and you want to make her feel better and have her return that wonderful love that you’re offering her.
I know she’s crazy about you, but she’ll never admit that she, in fact, IS scared of the future, and especially scared of drifting apart from you. She’s a fucking handful, lol, you and I both know that much, but she really does need your love and care. It’s just a matter of how much you’re willing to put up with to make her feel safe and secure (and I know that’s a shitload of crap to put up with *hug* ^_^ ()). See, when she distances herself like this, and you show *any* care for her and then ya’ll end up arguing, it’s just going to water things down… eventually, her pushing you away will succeed and it will feel less depressing because it will become so repetitive (you can only cry over someone for the same reason for so long.. it was a month for me until I just couldn’t care about my ex anymore because of his arguing). She’s pushing you away because she doesn’t want to get hurt when she has to put her heart on auto-pilot at the end of the school year/summer. Try to show her you care but try not to show her what her actions are doing to you… I think it’s the only way to fight back. She’s so fucking hard to understand sometimes, and I don’t want to see a great guy like you, and the best thing that’s ever happened to her, get hurt, and I don’t wanna see my best friend get hurt because of her own stupidity, inexperience, and “cold” heart. Her heart’s quite the opposite of cold, but she’ll never admit it. It takes a lot of energy and feeling to hate the world like she does, you know?
*sigh* so yeah, I hope this helps you a bit *hug* try and give her a tiny bit of space and let her decide things, but tell her how much she means to you every once in a while. She seems to like those little things you do/say/wear, based on the arguments you’ve sent me. Take care and write back if you need me again ^__^
K-chan
It’s an interesting thing to have to put so much faith in someone I really don’t know personally. The only thing that keeps me putting faith in her is that she knows best (about my relationship) out of all of the people I know. She and I are probably the only people that’ll attest to the fact that Megan has the heart and decency in her.
She’s said the following to me:
(23:36:43) Katie: I know for a fact that she would love to be that girl that’s the damsel in distress, hopelessly-in-love type
Katie: but since she feels like she just *can’t* be that in real life, she lets that practicalness run her life
(23:59:57) Me (VagrantRask): goddamnit, she always cites how 8th grade was when she started turning like this. it’s the thing on her deadjournal.
(00:00:16) Me (VagrantRask): sometimes i wish with all my heart that i could just fix things for her.
(00:00:20) Me (VagrantRask): but it was never meant to be like that.
(00:03:28) Katie: you and me both
(00:05:33) Katie: I was there when her life chaged
(00:05:53) Me (VagrantRask): When that guy broke up with her for another girl, etc. etc.
(00:05:55) Me (VagrantRask): Is that correct?
(00:06:03) Katie: nah ah
(00:06:07) Katie: I wasn’t there then
(00:06:19) Katie: but I was there when she was in eighth grade going into high school
(00:06:24) Katie: that’s what fucked everything up
(00:06:28) Katie: stupid high school
(00:06:34) Me (VagrantRask): *nods*
(00:06:44) Katie: I remember that she broked down after the first day and I had to comfort her, poor thing
(00:06:46) Me (VagrantRask): What was it exactly?
(00:07:07) Me (VagrantRask): This was before she was all… toughened up and stuff, right?
(00:07:13) Katie: yeah
(00:07:27) Me (VagrantRask): I figured. She isn’t normally the weepy type.
(00:07:31) Katie: she hated cursing, and she was really innocent and we were both giggily little Gundam Wing-loving fangirls
(00:07:32) Me (VagrantRask): But I know it’s there.
(00:07:35) Katie: yeah
(00:07:43) Katie: she was so much different
(00:07:44) Me (VagrantRask): I know it’s there because she’s broken down on me, heh.
(00:08:13) Katie: I remember an e-mail that she’d sent where she said something about Hot Topic being really scary
(00:08:22) Katie: I never told you any of this though, okay?
(00:09:26) Katie: she and I have gone through a whole damn lot together
(00:09:28) Katie: it’s just
(00:09:44) Me (VagrantRask): hrm.
(00:09:55) Katie: she needs to learn that relationships take scarfices from both sides
(00:10:04) Katie: if she wants you to change then she needs to change to
(00:10:08) Me (VagrantRask): it’s not me right? i have this fuzzy recollection that she used to be so much happier, back like, 2 years ago.
(00:10:15) Katie: honestly, how big of a deal is it just to fucking celebrate valentine’s day?
(00:10:22) Me (VagrantRask): it’s not just a feeling i have, heh?
(00:10:24) Katie: just get over it and fucking celebrate, it won’t KILL you
(00:10:27) Me (VagrantRask): yeah.
(00:10:40) Katie: I wanted to slap her when she wen toff on another one of her “stupdi holidays” tirade
(00:10:49) Me (VagrantRask): heh
(00:10:54) Katie: *stupid
(00:10:54) Me (VagrantRask): i kept my mouth shut about halloween.
(00:11:06) Me (VagrantRask): because i mean, i just love halloween, heh.
(00:11:08) Me (VagrantRask): (not)
(00:11:19) Katie: anou
(00:11:24) Katie: it isn’t just you dude
(00:11:30) Katie: she really loves spending time with you
(00:11:53) Katie: it’s just that it seems like she’s just so tired of you overthinking things or soemthing
(00:11:56) Me (VagrantRask): i wish i could’ve done more for her.
(00:11:59) Me (VagrantRask): she is. i don’t blame her.
(00:12:01) Katie: I dunno, I have limited knowledge on this subject
(00:12:07) Me (VagrantRask): it’s the truth
(00:12:08) Katie: adn if you tell her I’m talking to you, I’ll kill you
(00:12:15) Me (VagrantRask): sure
(00:12:17) Katie: you know how touchy she is about you and I speaking
(00:12:21) Katie: but I really wanna help you guys
(00:12:34) Me (VagrantRask): i really really wish i could/could’ve do/done more for her.
(00:13:23) Katie: I think you both just need to chill out
(00:13:25) Katie: that’s all
(00:13:41) Katie: she needs to stop being so fucking stubborn and tough
(00:13:48) Katie: and you need to stop worrying and trying to make her life better
(00:13:58) Katie: because it seems like.. I dunno
(00:14:11) Katie: it’s just so much work to keep you both together, you know?
(00:14:17) Me (VagrantRask): indeed.
(00:14:22) Me (VagrantRask): we’re two opposite ends of a spectrum.
(00:14:33) Katie: she writes things off so quickly and doesn’t even try to understand how you feel
(00:14:49) Katie: but at the same time, you feel *for* her, and she gfeels smothered, I think
