Mike Tigas | miketigas.com

Me: have you used those buddy alerts that do a popup whenever someone logs off or on or comes back from away or idle?
Me: So… Glenn’s around and sees on my computer that “GundamGirlie208 is now available.” (that being megan’s screenname). And he said “I get it,” like a joke, you know.

——

Sara: How are you?
Me: Pretty good, I guess.
Me: It’s a good thing to spend time away from the internet, away from talking or writing.
Me: That kind of “away from it all” thing.
Sara: really?
Me: Haven’t spoken to Megan since last week.
Sara: I was hoping everything was ok, because I haven’t seen you on in a long time
Me: She won’t respond when I say “hi”.
Sara: o_o
Me: Yeah, I kinda stayed offline on purpose.
Me: It’s weird. When I’m out and about I’m just great and everything. When I’m here, and Megan’s online, I feel this overbearing anxiety.
Sara: aww *hugs*
Me: I really probably should call her but… Eh.
Me: I’m just dreading things.
Sara: Yeah
Sara: I know how that is
Sara: I really hope everything’s ok, though.
Me: blajwoifjoipawjgopijaiogj
Me: yeah.
Me: last time i heard from her was like, last tuesday-ish…

——

Me: fuck
Me: i can’t stand it anymore.
Me: i took the pictures down from my wall, i had it in my mind and everything.
—
Me: And then for some reason the emotion started coming back.
Me: Like, suddenly, I dreadfully miss the way she looks, her smell, her touch.
Me: This sucks a shitload.
—
Me: i don’t know how i’m going to do it. how i’m going to confront her.
Me: i don’t even know what i’m going to do–if i’m going to choose to still be with her or not.
—
Me: i HAVE to talk to her or else i’m going to die.
Me: but i mean, i have to talk. i have to figure out what must be said before i can get there.
—
Me: i just want to curl up in bed and cry about it all of a sudden.
Me: i didn’t feel this way for days and it just now got to me.

Again, I don’t know. I’m so hesitant becuase I’m afraid what things will turn into–every time we have a “discussion” about sexuality or relationship things, one of us flips out and then things go downhill. We’re already downhill now, though. That’s why I’m afraid where things will go. There’s a massive anxiety that goes with not knowing. The fact that so much of me was so ready to drop it all is possibly some sort of signal that the core of my faith and hope was already breached.

Last night, or a night before:

Me: i knwo she cares about me, but sometimes i just want to know that she feels for me like I do for her.
Tasha: honey you do realized u just described tony perfectly
Tasha: i mean he has never said he loves me , he refuses to use the word
Me: hah.
Tasha: he isnt very emotional and there are times when i fely like i would just give and give and give and receive nothing in return
Me: yeah…
Tasha: lol WELCOME TO MY WORLD
Me: What’s kept you and Tony together so long?
Tasha: umm, that is a very good question, alot of it has to do with my believing there is something there that he just isnt ready to show me. another part is my mom, she has helped me and explained alot of things to me about him, and i guess the last part would be the love i have for him, b/c it seems like no matter what i cant give up on him.

Logically, I came to the conclusion that because I have caused nothing but stress, frustration, and anger for her in the past month or so, and that everything has been slowly tearing me apart about it, that for the both of us it is logically the best thing to do to break up. Logically–it will save our feelings in the long run.

It’d taken days to think it through to convince myself that even though I cared for her, I’d done her too much bad recently to outweigh the good. That my TOTAL breakdown in last week was another harbinger of bad winning over good. So I’d slowly kept telling myself this, thought of every which way to talk. And I couldn’t. What I’m fearful of most is confrontation… And I couldn’t bear to do it, the least of which was because I didn’t know what to say.

And then, though I’d been totally carefree for a handful of days now, emotion started crashing down on me. (Logically–I need the emotional fulfilment or something.) I miss her like hell. I wanted to hold her in my arms…but I haven’t spoken to her in a week…

I dreamt of her, too, I think it was Saturday night. She forgave me and then we hugged and kissed and then I woke up to the reality of it all and realized that maybe I’d never have that again.

Right here is fine… Without a future… Fate’s very indecision… If I choose one way or another it would probably go the way I choose… I’d rather not choose. But I’d rather not let fate choose for me–I’d rather things weren’t like this.

Writing here is another way of confrontation, however… I know that when she reads this, things have a tendancy of crashing down upon me. My passiveness, fear, anxiety, have all written my fate. It’s odd. Every time I lose my faith or hope or something, someone comes along to tell me otherwise, or my emotions start to get in the way…

I’m damned every way–damned if I do, damned if I don’t, damned if I just sit here and try to let everything by.

[00:39:21] HTMLjedi: Hm?
[00:39:22] Megan: its that I don’t feel comfortable confiding in other people
[00:39:56] Megan: the last few times Iw as upset I thought about calling you
[00:40:11] Megan: but I just couldn’t because I hate people seeing me when I’m weak
[00:40:20] Megan: I didn’t know what god it would do to cry to you about it
[00:40:23] HTMLjedi: Megan, I know I’m getting weaker.
[00:40:24] Megan: so I handled it myself
[00:40:27] HTMLjedi: Because I’ve had to run to more people
[00:40:39] HTMLjedi: and I know they can’t do anything for me, tehy can only nod and say “there, there.”
[00:40:42] Megan: that doesn’t make you weak mike!
[00:41:01] Megan: that makes you fucking human, a quality that I seriously lack
[00:42:42] HTMLjedi: Some times I’d rather talk to you on hte phone, because I’d be able to hear your intonation and such, because it says a lot more to me. I almost wanted to call you last night because I didn’t want to argue online any further, but by then it was as far as it got.
[00:43:27] HTMLjedi: Perhaps I want to be relied on and missing that makes me feel weaker.
[00:43:28] HTMLjedi: Id on’t know.
[00:43:41] Megan: mike, there is nothing wrong with you
[00:43:48] HTMLjedi: I just feel like I’m failing you a lot more nowadays.
[00:44:07] Megan: because I’m changing and the way I think and feel is different now
[00:44:16] HTMLjedi: I can hear it and I can comprehend it when you say it
[00:44:21] Megan: where you want to take the relationship and where I want to take it are different now
[00:44:48] HTMLjedi: but what’s in me is different. I don’t know if I can believe you saying that there’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t know if I can believe myself saying it.
[00:45:08] Megan: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU
[00:45:25] Megan: now do you understand why I never believe you when yout ell me I’m beautiful?
[00:45:26] Megan: its this
[00:45:27] HTMLjedi: You’ve been consistent with where you want to take the relationship. Consistency wins.
[00:45:32] Megan: its the inability to believe it
[00:46:09] Megan: there is nothing wrong with you
[00:46:11] HTMLjedi: Well, fine. I suppose I’ve done the same, slowly convincing myself in this miserable existence of mine and the total failure and insignificance of the whole of myself and my actions.
[00:46:30] Megan: our relationship is fucked up now because we want different things
[00:46:36] HTMLjedi: And I know you want me to believe what you say.
[00:46:43] Megan: the only thing wrong withme, in my opinion, is my immature sex drive
[00:46:47] Megan: that is my problem, not yours
[00:46:48] HTMLjedi: But coming from you…
[00:46:49] HTMLjedi: I dunno.
[00:47:05] Megan: but other than that, there is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with me
[00:47:14] Megan: our desires just aren’t parallel anymore
[00:50:42] Megan: just…go to bed
[00:50:52] Megan: stop acting like the world is your fault
[00:50:58] Megan: thats such a me thing to do
[00:50:59] HTMLjedi: Perhaps I lie to myself and believe the lies now.
[00:51:01] HTMLjedi: it isn’t.
[00:51:05] HTMLjedi: My life is my fault.
[00:51:13] Megan: mike, cut it out
[00:51:33] Megan: stop acting like you’re an evil terrible monster
[00:51:45] Megan: step one is to look at this and comrepend and undertsand it
[00:51:47] HTMLjedi: I don’t know why I can’t believe you when you say nothing’s wrong with me.
[00:51:54] HTMLjedi: Everything in me says I should take it well.
[00:52:01] HTMLjedi: Logically, that is.
[00:52:10] Megan: I don’t have a problem with the fact that you want something from me
[00:52:44] Megan: I don’t see a problem with the fact that you have the desire to go further than the point we’re at
[00:52:55] Megan: its normal, understandable, and thats not the issue
[00:53:25] Megan: my problem comes in that you’re letting this one issue consume everything
[00:53:51] Megan: you keep bringing it up and I feel like you’re trying to push me and manipulate me into doing something that I very obviously don’t want
[00:54:23] HTMLjedi: Tell me what you propose I should do.
[00:54:37] Megan: I know its not intentional, but its like when you start to say something and say ‘oh, nevermind’ - you want the person to ask, you want the person to know they story you’re just playing coy
[00:54:53] Megan: stop expecting that mentioning it to me is going to get you somewhere
[00:55:17] Megan: if I have a change of heart, you will be sure to know about it when my hand is suddenly guiding yours
[00:55:17] HTMLjedi: I cannot change you because it’s an impossiblity and that’d void some of your finer qualities. Because I care about you, I have to be like this.
[00:55:25] Megan: I don’t see that happening, however
[00:55:59] Megan: I realize and respect that you have the desire to do this and you’re keeping it under control
[00:56:02] HTMLjedi: I still want to be with you. So I have to make everything in me say that it is wrong.
[00:56:14] Megan: that is all I need to know, and I have constant appreciation for it
[00:56:19] HTMLjedi: And part of me knows that’s a lie and that doesn’t make sense.
[00:56:50] Megan: you don’t understand how proud I am that I’ve been in a relationship this long without letting it devolve into meaningless sexual shit
[00:56:59] HTMLjedi: That’s why I wanted you to slap me, convince me that it is wrong.
[00:57:09] HTMLjedi: *nods*
[00:57:20] Megan: I’m proud of me, I’m proud of you for realizing theres more to this shit than sexual gratification
[00:58:20] Megan: I’m proud that you respect me as a person rather than an object like those disgusting guys that are constantly grabbing hteir date’s asses and shit
[00:58:21] HTMLjedi: Sexual gratification by itself is a terrible act of folly, because it demeans what you called “this shit.”
[00:58:38] Megan: mike, I have no idea what you just said
[00:58:47] HTMLjedi: I’m agreeing with you.
[00:59:23] HTMLjedi: Because I despise casual sexual discourse.
[00:59:24] HTMLjedi: Er.
[00:59:26] HTMLjedi: Something like that.
[01:00:22] HTMLjedi: I agree that treating women like an object is wrong, because they’re human, they’re people like you and everyone else.
[01:00:31] HTMLjedi: The beauty isn’t being female, the beauty is being a person.
[01:00:57] Megan: then why does my chest matter? if I’m beautiful as a person, why do you haev to target the female part of my anatomy and fixate on it?
[01:01:17] HTMLjedi: I don’t know, Megan.
[01:01:25] HTMLjedi: This is why I, and these thoughts of libido, are wrong.
[01:01:32] Megan: *sigh*
[01:01:32] HTMLjedi: THey lack sense.
[01:01:47] Megan: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that
[01:01:53] HTMLjedi: No, I was actually getting to that.
[01:02:04] HTMLjedi: I was going to say that line (”thoughts of libido”) anyway
[01:02:09] Megan: its not WRONG
[01:02:22] Megan: its male….you are male, you can’t escape it
[01:02:37] HTMLjedi: Just because it’s unescapable does not mean it is wrong.
[01:02:38] Megan: I want you to understand this
[01:02:53] Megan: EXACTLY THE FUCKING POINT
[01:02:54] HTMLjedi: That’s the way you and most moral people would agree on it.
[01:02:57] HTMLjedi: er
[01:03:05] HTMLjedi: Just because it is unescapable does not mean it is right*
[01:03:11] HTMLjedi: There are unescapable things that are right and wrong.
[01:03:13] HTMLjedi: Goddamnit.
[01:03:28] HTMLjedi: “Just because it’s unescapable does not mean it is wrong.” how does that make sense? -.-
[01:03:32] Megan: Mike, it is not fucking wrong
[01:03:37] HTMLjedi: it’s like “duh” -.-
[01:03:45] Megan: *I* am wrong
[01:03:45] HTMLjedi: Why not.
[01:03:49] HTMLjedi: Why is it not wrong?
[01:03:56] HTMLjedi: Nature?
[01:04:06] Megan: because its fucking evolutionarily indictrinated into the species!
[01:04:12] Megan: *indoctrinated
[01:04:57] Megan: you already know from the fact that I can’t open up emotionally that I’m screwed up mentally when it comes to dealing with intimacy
[01:05:30] HTMLjedi: Well, bravo. Now that I’ve heard it from you, I might as well go accept that. I’m being difficult because Rashaad told me this and I would not bring myself to believe it because the more I’d believe it the more I’d fall into it and the more likely I’d lose you over it.
[01:05:40] Megan: there is something wrong with ME for bieng so adamantly against allowing such a simple action a year and a half into a relationship
[01:05:57] Megan: YOU’RE SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING
[01:06:04] Megan: I’m trying to fucking HELP
[01:06:04] HTMLjedi: I know.
[01:07:10] Megan: talk to nearly anyone else in a relationship
[01:07:12] HTMLjedi: I know that it’s really your problem at heart, but since I can’t do anything about it adn the problem still exists, I’m trying to be like this because if I’m not, the problem will itself happen in reality.
[01:07:38] Megan: I bet you 99% of them are having sex and the other 1% are doing just slightly less
[01:07:39] HTMLjedi: I know, everyone else that’s been together this long are much farther along than we are, they’re emotionally closer, etc.
[01:07:46] Megan: I am a freak and this is a freak of a relationship
[01:07:53] Megan: *because of ME*
[01:08:04] HTMLjedi: Okay.
[01:08:10] HTMLjedi: Now what?
[01:08:17] Megan: ITS MY FAULT
[01:08:24] Megan: STOP TAKING THE BLAME FOR BEING NORMAL
[01:08:26] HTMLjedi: So what do I or we do?
[01:08:37] Megan: I DON’T KNOW
[01:08:50] Megan: don’t you think if I fucking knew I would have done it by now?
[01:08:51] HTMLjedi: And that is why I have gone insane about this.
[01:08:58] HTMLjedi: And that is why I am like this right now.
[01:09:09] HTMLjedi: Because I cannot mentally let such things lie.
[01:09:24] Megan: if I were mentally capable of showing emotion and enjoying being vulnerable then we wouldn’t have this problem
[01:09:29] Megan: but I am not fucking capable of it
[01:09:36] HTMLjedi: Yep.
[01:09:40] HTMLjedi: I hope you understand me a little bit more.
[01:09:57] Megan: I don’t understand what it feels like, how to do it, or any of that shit, I am not capable of it
[01:10:01] Megan: its not that I don’t want to
[01:10:27] HTMLjedi: It’s because you never believed in it, you never did it, you locked it up before it existed because it’s related to intimiacy which is related to sex.
[01:10:58] Megan: no, its related to the fact that the world is a cold uncaring place and i wasn’t going to trust myself to it
[01:11:04] Megan: and now I’m so used to not feeling that i can’t anymore
[01:11:44] HTMLjedi: Yeah. I know.
[01:12:03] Megan: and thats also not something thats your fault
[01:12:16] Megan: I know you came into this relationship with this knight in shining armor attitude
[01:12:16] HTMLjedi: I told you. I can’t change you. So I can only convince myself of things to make me fit better with you.
[01:12:22] Megan: so hopefult hatyou’d be the one to save me from myself
[01:12:45] HTMLjedi: Yeah, I have almost entirely given up on that.
[01:13:12] Megan: its not a reflection on you that I wasn’t able to break out of this attitude I have
[01:13:23] HTMLjedi: It doesn’t make it less of a failure.
[01:13:25] Megan: you take it so personally, but its just not possible
[01:14:33] Megan: Mike, I care about you, but I’m not capable of just handing myself over to another person and letting you play around with my heart and my trust
[01:15:00] Megan: you’ve been so good to me when I really don’t deserve it
[01:15:18] Megan: but if you knew the way I viewed myself and the way I view the world, you’d understand
[01:15:43] Megan: I know I’m not good enough for you because of the total deficiency of emotion
[01:15:45] HTMLjedi: It’s like having believed I could make it into those colleges.
[01:15:49] Megan: you deserve much better than me
[01:16:04] HTMLjedi: Most of my wants, my dreams, my faith are in pieces.
[01:16:14] HTMLjedi: I hope you’ve been seeing htat.
[01:16:32] Megan: Mike, everyone’s life is like this right now
[01:16:37] Megan: you’re acting like a martyr
[01:17:06] HTMLjedi: Part of me knows I should break up with you because it’d be “better.”
[01:18:06] Megan: I think I’m jus something for you to hold on to now anyway
[01:18:09] HTMLjedi: That’d be surrendering the last faith I have in humanity.
[01:18:37] HTMLjedi: I still want to believe you can change.
[01:18:50] Megan: you don’t obsess about me because you love me but because you see me as the only thing left that you can depend on to be there
[01:19:39] HTMLjedi: If you’re just something left for me to hold on to, and if you believe what you just said…
[01:19:55] HTMLjedi: If you believe that’s the case, I really should.
[01:20:08] Megan: I never said thats what I believe
[01:20:13] Megan: I can’t readyour mind
[01:20:25] Megan: its what you’ve implied between the lines in what you’ve said tonight
[01:22:53] HTMLjedi: I don’t know what to say now.
[01:23:39] HTMLjedi: I want to go to sleep but I don’t want to have left on the verge of having myself lose you (or my faith in us), too.
[01:24:05] Megan: mike, only you know what you feel about me, katie tells me all the time that I misread things and jump to comclusions…
[01:27:27] HTMLjedi: I don’t knwo what I feel or think. About you or my future.
[01:27:30] HTMLjedi: I don’t know what I should do. It’s like staring at a “Game Over” screen with “Continue?” staring back at me. I know at this point I can continue where we are and continue what we have, or that I can quit and not have you, not ever see your face again… And the implications of both.
[01:30:07] Megan: then I guess you just have to decide if you want to deal with my emotionally challeneged shit or spare yourself the trouble
[01:32:38] HTMLjedi: I’m thinking about how it feels when I kiss you. Where that feeling comes from and if that reason is worth this. You seem to care about me more than you’ve done in the past, and what’s wrong or changed with me that I can’t just have that to rest on? I don’t know.
[01:32:45] HTMLjedi: I’ll sleep on it…
[01:33:25] Megan: night
[01:35:00] HTMLjedi: *hugs* G’nite, Megan. I hope you understand where I’m coming from with all of this. You, yourself, sleep well.
Session Close (Megan): Wed Mar 16 01:46:00 2005

Left with the brilliant conclusion of not knowing what tomorrow brings. Great. Of all things, I hate not knowing my future, and the past two days have taken full advantage of that. A third day of new and old anxieties awaits.