I was sitting in my chair, dazed, staring off into the wall.
Rashaad: Reflecting?
Myself: Yeah. Eh, a lot of things have changed in me.
Rashaad: How do you figure? [Don't remember what he exactly said: he tends to say this a lot, so this is what I write.]
Myself: Ever have those moments where you’re blank–you’re not thinking about anything, your mind not saying anything or going anywhere at all? It’s been happening to me a lot lately. It’s never happened that much at all.
Rashaad: It’s called not being stressed.
Myself: Yeah, things are different. Come on, I called up Sara, I talked on the phone for one-point-five hours and I mean, I never talk on the phone, and I’ve been playing basketball.
Rashaad: It’s normal.
Myself: Jesus, the people that I’ve been playing basketball with–this is really weird actually. We’ve just gotten off of our computers and started going out and playing basketball. It’s just plain weird. It’s all horribly different.
Rashaad: I told you, it’s normalizing.
Myself: Yeah, I don’t trust it when us non-normal people are suddenly normalized. I don’t trust the forces at work on the universe.
—–
And I figured that what else was new in the past month? I’d stopped blogging. Started forcing myself into stepping into life, heh. I’d lost so much that I had nowhere to go but up and that I’d make myself get there.
I thought about the whole blog thing more and more. I thought about how the thing brought to life some thoughts that would’ve died at the back of my mind. (I’d talked to Glenn about something similar–there’s a difference between when people think it to themselves and when they talk about it. When people are talking about it opposed to thinking about it, that means they’re truly acknowledging it and that it’s definitely more real.) Near the end of it all (the blog, my relationship), it only brought the conflict between emotion and logic, heart and mind, to a bitter end. It frustrated other people, especially Megan, to hear my passing thoughts, as low as they were. It killed my relationship, it killed me, it killed itself.
And is it worth bringing back and if so for what reason?
Upon reading Adams’ blog moments ago, I’d stumbled upon beautiful insight. He’s killing his blog, it’s going down in a few days.
So here it is. This has something like 3 or so days to live. I dunno, I’m not counting.
Reasons.
What is this need to document every moment of your life? You kill a part of an experience when you document it. Even the greatest moments (which tend to be the smallest) should be left to only you. They should be left to only your memory. You rape things when you video tape or blog about EVERYTHING in your life. Let the moment go. Just experience it. Pictures are fine, but at some point you have to let go. Just enjoy what’s happening NOW, and don’t worry about how well you’ll remember it LATER. You will remember it, and you’ll remember it for being exactly as it was. Chances are, however, that if you’ve documenting it in some way you’re not paying attention to everything happening, making all of that pointless.
This was started for no reason, but it has served a purpose. I’m letting it go, just like all things have to be.
So get off your couch or chair, turn off the computer, and go do something worth remembering.
I’m having recurring memories of MSA and all the great stuff that went on way back then, of the months that followed–no amount of writing will make me cherish any more or less, no amount of writing will make anyone understand it more or less. No amount of writing will make me happier for what memories I keep. If I wasn’t going to remember it in the first place, it’s not worth keeping records of it anyway, right? You probably won’t understand the intense surprise and pride and happiness in myself this week–that I approached a girl to ask her to prom, that days later I got her number and talked to her on the phone for nearly an hour and a half. That we’ve found more interesting things to do than play on the computer all day.
Poor Matt Adams just a few months ago shelled out $800+ on his beautiful new computer. Poor Matt Adams just realized with the rest of us that there isn’t too much entertainment left in that ol’ box.
And just the same, to Mike Tigas, the worth of blogging isn’t that high anymore. Back in the day, I’d only blog if it was wayyy late into the night and I didn’t feel like sleeping (like tonight)–this was before it turned into the mind’s addiction. There was the attempted profoundness, the questioning of many a thing, the talk of dreams and heart… But not a whole lot of bitching, not a whole record of life. Because in the long run, who cares?
Of course, you do. You’re probably here looking for some diversion of your time, or some sort of entertainment, or maybe you want to know my story–what’s up with me. The way the blog thus far played out in length is already a solid story for you–rediculously overanalytical guy contemplating about love gets into a relationship and falls through love’s pitfalls. Something like that. The way I’d blogged left too many holes in my life story, though. I’ve followed Shannon’s forever (since she had it on Diaryland) and it’s interesting to me that it’s turned into it’s own story in my eyes. And that story continues to go on.
The blog’s story and a part of who I was concluded about a month ago. Had to forge something new then. And then I found it’s true–life can turn on a dime.
Do you see how much insight this post really has? Yes, I really have lost most of my overanalysis of the world.
But that’s okay. It’s a loss I’ve been willing to deal with.
I have a future to make.
