Me: mighty fine away message
*** Auto-response from Chris Tigas: MY SARA IS A STEAK AND SHAKE ^_^
His girlfriend is also named Sara.
Archive for May, 2005
The past hour of my life has been odd to say the least with the various happenings and conversations I’ve encountered already and the shifts in tempo (simultaneous tempo shifts in two different conversations!) and all.
Graduation parties, testosterone, tender moments, ramblings, mice, deep philosophical conversation, ramblings again, and then sleeping to hopefully awaken to a day brighter.
What do we sacrifice for our own happiness? How much do we have to lose to find ourselves? In both cases, I hope that the cost is not too great.
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BTW, I’m posting to see whose useless banter drowns out the other. (Me or Glenn)
And BTW, I unlocked the one post, though I didn’t finish it.
Me: Hey, i’m a hand for you to give you a leg-up if you need.
Rashaad: Thank you, Mike…
Rashaad: It feels like nobody cares, but you show it and I love you for it
Me: Someone always cares.
Me: I’ve felt like nobody cares, but I’ve found that you’re always wrong.
Me: Someone will care when you plead your case.
Me: Someone will care when you’re broken.
“Dearly, not queerly,” Sara and Kayla say in their friendship. (About loving each other. The moment your mind wanders down an alley I know it’s going to, boy, I tell you that’s a case-in-point that society is faggotizing the flexibility of some words.) Frankly, I like the phrase.
I awoke around noon, May 24, 2005. Boring, though I knew when I awoke, that big things were to come. I ate Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast/lunch. I milled around my usual timewasting bullshit as usual.
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Early afternoon, however… Turned up with the biggest argument between my parents I’d heard ever. After over 30 minutes of it, I got myself dressed and ready to just run away. I had the largest feeling of anxiety in me. I decided I didn’t want to deal with the parents and because I was on a second story room, I’d have to jump from the second story becuase they were arguing it out on the first. At one point, as Mom was coming up the stairs, I decided I’d make my move then because I didn’t want to be part of it. I mangled and destroyed the screen for the middle upstairs window (because there’s an overhang underneath it that I could use to jump off of and not hit concrete or bushes below). She grabbed me by the arm before I could go. Resulted in her screaming that she didn’t want me to leave her or something like that. She wouldn’t let go, no matter what. Ended in basically everyone screaming at once and me in a torrent of tears. I eventually walked out the front door, and walked towards the school in tears. Eventually Mom picked me up halfway there and dropped me off at the building. I cried to Sara in the commons.
Holly: Wow, you cried to a female?
Me: I cried in the commons at school to a female. It was that bad.
She was the one person I wanted to turn to… Yeah… She eased the wounds decently… I really really just needed someone to turn to that’d actually understand or care about my emotional state or what I have to say…
Mom said at one point something about how she was sick and tired of crap and how Dad took that as her being sick and tired of him so he handed her a knife. From upstairs in my room, I definitely know that part happened by what was being said. It’s not only the gravity of the situation or the direct emotional or family consequences of the event that really hit me hard… Rather, I questioned myself about the situation and feared the probability whether I would have actually done away with him had he handed me the knife. That just drove me down further.
But slowly it got swept under the rug again… Though this time Mom swears that we’ll get counseling for shit. We’ve said it before and nothing’s been done. Frankly I really just want to get away from all of this for the rest of my life… It’s hard when we ignore the issue, leading me into a faux sense of safety.
—
Went to the haircut place with Glenn and Mom, not that I got one or needed one (Glenn got one), but I just didn’t want to go home. That killed off some time and at least let things settle down a little bit with everybody.
Got home, took a shower, freaked out several times over about things, checked, rechecked, freaked out some more, got into the car at 5pm with hopefully everything I needed (cap, gown, good camera, disposable camera, directions…), freaked out about being late. Dad drove me down. It took us literally 30 minutes to get there… Perfect timing, no doubt.
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(Approximately 6pm.) From there it was a freakout of waiting in a small racquetball room
[since this post is incomplete, a listing instead with placeholders in case i ever finish:]
- graduation
- post-graduation
- in search of ice cream
- project graduation (lock-in event at school)
- IHOP after getting let out
- moody’s house
- hanging out at school
- shower at home
- searching for sara at school (i made a promise)
- talking on the phone with her, going home, going to bed (pre-emptively written below)
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It is nearly noon, May 24. One constant stream of consciousness and it’s been a rollercoaster. Pain, joy, anxiety, accomplishment, wishfulness, hopelessness, care, love. I’m going to sleep now. This “day” (or “awakeness” or “consciousness”) won’t be soon forgotten.
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Addendum:
Megan: you and your melodramaticness…
Me: Well, it’d been weeks since I’d had anything like that happen. So…
Me: Though I’d been sentimental and ambivalent about school.
Me: I’ve been able to cut drama in the throat most of the time.
Megan: fuck sentimental
Megan: I cried once
Megan: and it had nothing to do with graduating
Megan: and everything to do with relief that I got valedictorian
Yeah, Megan’s strife finally turned into something.
