Archive for June, 2005

Recap

June 25, 2005; 3:24 am

An interesting and abrupt end to a cool chatroom. A bit of a conflict with using the Lord’s name in vain, a conflict I simply sat on the sidelines of.

This led to Sara and I talking a bit, at which point she quoted one of the Beatitudes, at which point I’d checked what Wikipedia had to offer on it. (Seeing as Wikipedia tends to have multiple insights on most big things. From there, I noticed the Rastafari movement at the bottom of that Christianity menu. From there, I checked out the word Jah, which led me immediately to Hallelujah and then to the Tetragrammaton (YHWH).

From the Tetragrammaton page:

In Judaism, the Tetragrammaton is the ineffable name of God, and is not pronounced. In the reading aloud of the
scripture or in prayer, it is replaced with Adonai (”my Lord”). …

…

This theory regarding the disuse of the Tetragrammaton is the result of an interpretation of the Third of the Ten Commandments. The Jewish people stopped saying the Name by the 3rd century out of fear of violating the commandment “You shall not take the name of
YHWH your God in vain” (Exodus 20:7).

And ironically, I mused to myself, that’s what sparked the private conversation and my Wikipedia-ing.

“Wikipedia. Now I know.” That should honestly be one of their taglines or something. I browse from page to page to page on Wikipedia too much.

Limit

June 24, 2005; 1:03 am

Note to self: Limit the time you use to write in here. Proofread in the morning, when you’re sane. Watch your damn tongue–you ramble way too fucking much.

*yawn*

June 24, 2005; 12:45 am

Ted: yeah i noticed you started blogging again :)
Me: Not really, lol. I brought the server back up because it died while I was gone. Then I did a recap.
Ted: yeah whatever
Ted: same thing
Ted: my recap was better

His recap, for those who missed out.

—

Been hanging with Sara a bunch the past few days, which is pretty good.

Watched Batman Begins twice since returning home–once with the guys and once with Sara and Kayla. I’m tempted to say it’s the top movie of the year on my list. I can’t say with certainty, though.

Yesterday was kinda a bummer, waking up hoping to go on a date with Sara and having that plan fail miserably. Eh, admittedly, we were both sort of apprehensive about going to Forest Park and the Art Museum for a date. I remarked that I suppose some things really aren’t meant to be. Seeing as we both were bummed and I was afraid of taking her out without having anywhere to go, we both started getting depressed and pessimistic and eh. She explicitly stated that she’d lost all faith in romance–this being an odd thing as romance was an important of her mind. I suppose the afternoon was emotionally draining for both of us. I ended up taking her to Dairy Queen, but that was still every bit as awkward. I could only say logically thought out words of consoling and like… Eh. I wish I could be every bit as romantic as she’d want — just once. Granted… (Holly quotes me and then gives me a retort.)

Holly: “In practicality I’m never as dashing or charming as I want to be.” <– God help us if you were as charming as you wanted to be.

We were hoping to do something that night, but Kayla was kinda lonely and we figured it’d be best if she spent time with her best friend, you know. I could hang with the guys and do this or that delinquent act and etc. What happened was that Kayla and Sara never got plans together and Sara just stayed home and slept early. Moody wasn’t interested in doing anything last night so I stayed home and slept after watching half of The Matrix: Reloaded.

I suppose parts of it were redeemed when today we (myself, Sara, Kayla, and my sis Marcie) went to Six Flags and spent basically the whole day there. Rode Batman twice, The Boss, and other stuff. Spent a great deal of time at Hurricane Harbor (the Six Flags waterpark part) to beat the 97 degree sunny weather. I had a blast and so did everyone else (which was a good turn of luck for me).

My biggest regrets this week are that I haven’t been able to get down a good date for just me and Sara and that I haven’t taken my A+ certification exams because I didn’t bother to ask for Mom’s credit card number. The former eats at me, the latter I’ve been slacking off on for months. I’m so afraid of having to walk around a large place with her and have neither of us talking at all or something. I’m afraid of like… That she won’t have a good time. I know, I shouldn’t be worried about perfection–but I’m not. I’m worried about breaking even. It’s happened too many times before in my life–*dead silence* *awkward moment*. My experience tells me that I can’t wing it out of a nonconversational awkwardness very simply–I haven’t the talkative outgoing skill or something. So I have to find something plain ol’ fun for both of us (or maybe just socially easier than walking around trying to converse), but something not as plain as a movie. (Instead of plain, I almost said “non-interactive, non-social”, but well… You know that’s not always true. Plain isn’t the right word, either.)

I know I’m making this too hard. But you know, I’ve been thinking of activites that I’ve been doing in my life and really, for many years I had no life and therefore am at a loss of experienced activities to pool from. The best I did would be DDR at the arcade, going to the mall, watching movies, driving around, and being randomly delinquent. I have to find things that we can enjoy togther that we don’t already do frequently.

Damnit, I’ll take her out to dinner and maybe we’ll just watch a movie or something at my place afterward.

Kayla swears up and down that “as long as [I] treat her respectfully, and love her, she’ll be happy” and that not worrying about the romance is best and that as long as I’m my sweet self she’ll be happer than… Well, she’ll be really happy. (Granted, the conversation I was having with Kayla, I was kinda beating myself up about not having opened the doors for Sara {and not being as chivalrous as I could’ve been} when I brought her out to DQ when the thought had crossed my mind–I didn’t grab the opportunity by the throat like I should’ve. -.-)

And this is my sorta angsty venting for the week. Glenn definitely despises this side of me. It’s that overemotional side, the side that takes over me that he can’t stand.

Me: help me drake kenobi, you’re my only hope.
Colin: starbucks, movies, dinner is pretty typical
Colin: or any combination of hte three
Me: Right right.
Colin: bowling is usually fun
Me: We did the movie thing last night. Done bowling twice already, lol.
Colin: haha wow
Me: Damnit, it’s 95 degrees outside. it’s horrible.
Colin: any local band venues?

All in all, I’m fine, but I’m looking to make it up to Sara that I haven’t had a day or evening out with her–just us two–since I returned home and I’m trying to make it right.

Sara reads this every day now, I suppose. Part of me doesn’t want her to see what happens when my train of thought goes one-way in this direction. I’d like to let her know that I care a lot, how hard I’m trying or wishing to make something work… Ted would possibly advise me to change blogging habits simply because being this open about such haphazard trains of thought tend to cause a lot of pain down the road.

It’s weird how optimistic I can be. I believe I can get through things, no matter how impossible. I believe I can make it through the odds that everyone else advises against. I believed I could take a socially awkward situation and fix it.

Sara wants from me more facets of my personality than just the romantic/lusty piece. She wants to be a congruent part of my life that fits in. She doesn’t want to be an isolated island in my life, separate from everything else. She doesn’t want me just on a physical level. She’d rather us be deeper and truly understand each other than have us be shallow like that. I think I’m afraid somewhere inside. Sometimes I wonder if she wants more of me than I know how to give. I think I can learn fast anyway.

Home Again

June 19, 2005; 2:36 am

Back home from a long-ass trip. I can talk details if you ever want a conversation.

It’s amazing how comforting it is to sleep in my own bed again (I have a queen size bed to myself, heh) and to actually be wearing clean clothing and take a good shower in my bathroom.

But life’s all the same at this point. There’s a lot for me to do in my mind, especially before college comes up…

We’ll see how it all goes. I’ve got some fun most likely in store tomorrow. Monday I’ll most hopefully be seeing Sara at the airport as she gets back and then maybe spend some time with her and then sometime that day I’ll have to drive my cousin Dana back to Columbia. I want to take the A+ Computer Technician Certification tests this week and the Network+ test next week. Dad wants to go on another vacation (long pointless road trip) in the beginning of July but the rest of the family doesn’t want to; not to mention Chris should be coming down here to visit from New Jersey during that time anyway. Like I said, we’ll have to see how it goes. Fate has been dealing me some very strange hands lately, the least of which was:

I’d forgotten that I’d scheduled Summer Welcome for Mizzou on June 20-21 and that Sara comes back from her trip to Italy and Greece on the 20th and I promised her I’d be at the airport to meet her. Now, I was going to call Mom to tell her to reschedule, but the day I was planning on telling her such, she called and said that Mizzou canceled that day. Apparently fate was one step ahead of me.

I miss her a ton, but I’ve gotten myself to deal with it. I seem to be at terms with it because I’ll see her again quite soon and because I have faith in her and us. I miss having her in my arms, staring her in the eyes and all, but for some reason I really really miss her voice. There’s something about the tone in her voice when she says things like “awww, boo” that’s quite uplifting and heartwarming. Something in it that just makes me smile. I have to say that something’s changed in me this year that I miss so dearly something like chit chat with someone. I have to continue to tell myself that I’ll see her very soon now, only a day and a bit away.

—

I’m still telling Kayla to go for it and call the guy simply to talk because her fear and seeming reluctance to call just drives her situation apart. (Not to mention they need to talk and get to know each other before anything else can happen. Talking works very well.) I left her by telling her to keep her chin up and not to be scared of her own feelings.

Funny when I think about it. I still find myself anxious when it comes to doing something with Sara. It’s mostly that I never know of any good activities to be doing and that I’m not very conversational. But I’d been to the brink of anxiety, only to cast all of those fears and anxieties aside as I asked her out to prom. I didn’t know what I was doing then, therefore the same unknowing shouldn’t bother me now… Heh, I really need to take my own advice.

—

*yawn*

I came to an observation of my own (and other people’s) blogging habits and realized that once you remove angsty teenage bitching/contemplation and shit like that, there’s not too much that’s worth blogging about or bloggable except for “what I’ve been up to” (which people don’t really care as much about), side topics (stuff better suited for conversation about anyway), or other forms of contemplation (romantic, political, sociological, economical). (Jeez, look at the content of this post.) And usually with those I also don’t really have much of a will to write on it but on random nights like tonight. The era of having many posts a week (sometimes even several a day) has been long gone, heh.

What also amuses me is that most of the posts from that era are also highly irrelevant thoughts that are neither angsty, contemplative, or substantial in any serious context. Heh. Christ, I’m rambling.

Vagrant Mind (INCOMPLETE)

June 1, 2005; 2:07 am

So I’d been contemplating things like my place in life and what everything amounts to and shit–I mean, I saw Fight Club for the first time last night, go figure.

I’d spent the evening watching Harold & Kumar at my place with Sara and talking to Sara and staring at her and etc. Decent conversation actually (in my book, at least). Later during the night, online, she and I actually talked about my own religious beliefs and issues and etc. It’s the first time I’ve ever output my particular religious sitiuation in full.

—

I was going to write a stint about any of it, but amazingly all of those thoughts left me as Tasha brought up a good conversation about relationships and stuff. Frankly, I was pleased at the food for thought she provided me.

[02:50:47] Tasha: fights take trust,
[02:51:08] Tasha: u trust that the other person cares enough to work things out and mek sure everything is fine
[02:51:29] Tasha: thats why it hurts so bad when it doesnt work out b/c that trust is broken
[02:51:52] Tasha: have u ever thought about it in that fashion before?
[02:52:12] HTMLjedi: nope…
[02:52:19] HTMLjedi: and that’s actually a brilliant way of seeing it.
[02:52:34] Tasha: maybe
[02:52:51] HTMLjedi: i dunno, i really like that thought.
[02:53:04] Tasha: i am glad i gave u something to think about
[02:53:44] Tasha: why do u think fights strenghten a relationship? b/c trust is upheld

It’s an interesting concept which my train of thought led into the thought of destruction leading into new life and light. It’s evolution of life. Destruction means rebuilding which means making it better than it was before. If we tear down our walls and we must rebuild them, why not build them spread out more and better?

It came to my attention recently that I love to make analogies to explain the myriad of ideas floating around my head. Well, here’s one:

[and the post ends here, incompletely, as i fall asleep]